Art's out of the closet

WASHINGTON I believe I got myself into a lot of trouble the other day. I wrote a column about Anita Bryant, homosexuals and orange juice. I pointed out that, as noble as Miss Bryant's crusade seemed to her, it wasn't doing anything for Florida orange juice, which she is paid to push.

I suggested that the Florida orange juice people, who were concerned about their product, have two sets of TV commercials one featuring

Miss Bryant and the other starring a homosexual spokesperson who would keep the gay side drinking orange juice.

The last line of the column was, "I would do it myself, but unfortunately I can't carry a tune.”

The first call came at 9 in the morning and was from a television station in New York. I heard my secretary Jeannie Alyer's end of the conversation. Jeannie is British, which may have had something to do with her responses.

"Oh, yes Mr. Buchwald is very gay. He laughs all the time ... You weren't talking about THAT kind of gay? What kind of gay were you talking about? Oh, THAT kind of gay

Well, I really can't say. He never acts TOO gay . He's more of a male chauvinist-type person, if you know what I mean . . .

"I really don't know what he meant in the last sentence of his article. I'm sure he didn't mean it in the way you're taking it... No, I don't know what he does after work... He's married and has three children is that of any help? . . . It doesn't mean anything? It could mean he's a éloset homosexual, you say?... Well, we don't have a closet in the office, so I'm sure you must be wrong . . . I Ι would suspect he was just pulling your leg... I don't mean your leg

No, you can't speak to him. Why? Because he isn't gay now he's in a very foul mood. Thank you."

A few minutes later the phone rang again. Jeannie answered, "No, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Buchwald will be unable to address your Gay Liberation Rally... He'll be away all summer."

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Art

Buchwald

The rest of the calls were more or less in the same vein, asking whether I was declaring myself publicly for the first time and, if not, why I offered to be the spokesperson for the gays if I wasn't one?

So, to set the record straight and to stop the telephone calls, I shall have to explain what I have always considered a very private matter.

I am in fact a closet heterosexual that is to say, I sit in a closet a lot and think about the joy of heterosexual activity. I more or less follow the philosophy of President Carter as explained in his interview in Playboy magazine. For reasons which I can only blame on an unhappy childhood, I lust in my heart after the opposite sex. I've always been this way, and I can't help it.

It's not much fun being a closet heterosexual because you always live in deathly fear that someone is going to find out about you. The only trouble with coming out of the closet and admitting your true sexual preference these days is that women will start calling you terrible names.

While I have nothing against gays, it's impossible for me to be one. I hate men. They have hair on their faces, knobby knees, and they're full of themselves. Unlike Will Rogers, I've never met a man I really liked.

I have to admit, by offering to be the gay spokesperson for Florida orange juice industry, and the effect Miss Bryant's recent campaign was having on it, that I volunteered my services without thinking through what it meant.

I didn't realize that so many people would start wondering about what I did with my evenings. Now that it's out in the open, I feel much better about it.

My secretary Jeannie does, too.

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